For the Record, We Did Not Forget to Have Kids
I am of a generation with a large population of women who had or are having- or are trying to have- children later in life. The second half of our 30s- and sometimes at the beginning of our 40s- is when we are ready.
We have been chastised, as a group, for waiting too long, thus making the biology more complicated and often less cooperative. There are generally two reasons, two valid reasons, we didn’t have children earlier in life and it has to do with the lessons we learned in childhood:
Lesson #1. Divorce Sucks. We came of age during a boom in the divorce rate. Even if your parents didn’t get divorced, it was happening all over the place. The grown-ups didn’t know how to handle it or how to communicate to their children, so of course it made for a very unstable environment for them.
Lesson #2. Being a working mother is really hard. We saw our mothers- or our friend’s mothers, if we didn’t have working moms- juggling the demands of work and home. They were exhausted and felt guilty and torn by competing demands. We also often heard the working women being criticized by the stay-at-home moms.
So where did those lessons lead us?
#1. We are picky about who we marry. We waited, didn’t settle, sometimes choosing to be alone rather than with someone we knew we couldn’t go the distance with. As a result, some of us weren’t with the right man until we were in our late 30s or later.
#2. We are hesitant to face the competing demands of being working mothers. We took the struggles of our mothers to heart. We worry that pulling the trigger on having a child will make us unable to cope with our job responsibilities and that we, our careers, our marriage, and our children will suffer. As competent as we are in our professional lives, we also worry or that we will simply not be able to handle motherhood.
So here we are. Late thirties/early forties and a lot of us are ready to have children now. And we know the deal. It is complicated. Sometimes biology puts up roadblocks, yes. I have a friend who is 43 and ready to give birth in June and one who has just “pulled her goalie” and is ready to start trying. I also have a friend who is 43 and whose numbers told her a few years ago to not even bother trying with her own eggs. Too late.
And yet the ones of us who really want to be mothers usually find a way. Some go the IVF route, others, like myself, end up adopting. What about the lessons of our youth?
Waiting to have kids with the right person was incredibly worth it. When your child won’t stop crying and it’s the middle of the night and you are both exhausted, being with the wrong person would be glaringly evident and make the situation much, much harder.
Juggling working motherhood, while difficult, is nowhere near near impossible. A lot of the time, it’s logistics. The same qualities that make us successful professionals make us good at figuring out the baby thing. And unlike our mother’s generation, there are systems in place and everyone knows the drill. And those men we worked so hard to find are ready, willing, and able to do their part.
Now that you know we don’t need a reminder, quit asking when we’re going to get pregnant. We may be wondering the same thing and we don’t want to have to discuss it with everyone we know.
Also, if we tell you we’re adopting, quit telling us you’re sure we’ll get pregnant now that we’ve stopped “trying.” We know you mean well, but biology doesn’t work that way. If we do get pregnant and carry it to term, it’s not because we quit trying. It’s a coincidence.
And if you are a woman struggling with age-related fertility issues, give yourself a break. You don’t need to feel guilty for waiting too long. If you want to try the IVF, try the IVF. If you want to adopt, start that process. And if you want to make peace with not having kids, do that. There are no right answers. There is only what works best for you and your partner.
Photo by kton25.
2 comments April 28th, 2009